生死

在家里休息的这几天，翻阅了不少书籍。阅读了i 周刊的一篇专栏，好喜欢作者李邪对于生死的想法。

以下是我觉得很有意义的部分：

“人，就是这么贱。 明明承受不了的东西，又偏以为自己有能耐。
对于身边的至亲，有些人从来没有做任何准备。至亲随时会离开的准备。
即使有准备，也从来不是万全的。

所谓准备… 而是，一个人的心，有没有足够的力量去承受对方的死亡...

当你明白，原来你对死亡还是这么执著时，你就只能用同样的执著，对待生命。

不忍它死，所以，也不忍心它不活。
对所有我不忍心看他们死去的人，我希望能让他们活得快乐。
只有这样，生死的感受，都是平等的饱满。
死亡超悲痛， 活着超狂乐。”

Family therapy

I have been reading up on the different forms of family therapies to prepare for my new job. It involves revisiting what I have read in SW 4101 including all the essays and readings. Reading my previous essays is quite an enlightening experience. Sometimes I will be in awe that I actually felt and thought in a particular sort of way. Other times it is encountering past questions that continue to haunt me.

A lot of times, identifying problems in families is not exactly difficult. It's how to get out of that cycle of behaviour that is difficult. To simplify things, let's start with myself. I often caught myself by surprise when I get emotional about certain things. Emotions that I never knew existed. I could revisit my past and tell you why I behave in a certain way. Why I am so complicated. So not what? How do I go about fixing this "problem"? It involves peering into my beliefs structure and shaking the foundations. It involves being open to the outpouring of emotions that have resulted from all the shaking. Are you willing to subject yourself to this?

Action movies

I never liked watching action movies or should I say I thought I would never like watching movies with a lot of men and a lot of blood and a lot of sweat and dirt. Until this year...

The cool action moves...the muscular hunks might have contributed to it. But those are minuscule in comparison to my feelings. I feel touched when I watched action movies. Like this one:

The protaganists in these movies are always standing up for something that they believe in...something worth fighting for. It could be one person or a group of people and they never sought out to make a difference but just to save or protect what they believe in. I am moved by their courage and passion. Because it is what I would like to be.

It is from numberless diverse acts of courage and belief that human history is shaped. Each time a man stands up for an ideal, or acts to improve the lot of others, or strikes out against any injustice, he sends forth a tiny ripple of hope, and crossing each other from a million different centers of energy and daring, those ripples build a current that can sweep down the mightiest walls of oppression and resistance.

- Robert F. Kennedy

We need to stand for something greater than ourselves.

One day Lobster Firefly Tour

Time: 635 am

We are on our way towards to Tuas Checkpoint. Tired. I slept less than 3 hrs the night before.

We are in Malaysisa! This is my traveling companion, Mr. M tucking into his very very oily guotiao. It's amazing how there are sooo many aunties around us at the coffeeshop n how awake they are so early in the morning. Next stop: Ostrich Farm.

I have a fear of dirty toilets. It scares me. Stepping on human pee is just eww. Here's a picture of the tandas at the ostrich farm. Very kampung style.

Ostrich chicks. They were forever eating and snapping their beaks at things. Everything. Wires and I believe my finger if I were to try and pat it.

This is a REAL ostrich. It seemed a little stoned though. It just stood there and let us touch it. Its mouth was always open. I wonder why.

These cocks were allowed to roam freely in the farm and they were really tame. Surprising.

Ostrich meat. It tasted like chicken though. Mr. M looked so happy to be eating. Must be really hungry. Humans are really funny things. One moment we are happily taking pictures and saying how cute the chicks are. The next moment we are eating them.

Tau sa pia!!! Super nice. I love Malaysia's tau sa pia! The crust is not so crumbly and they are pretty generous with the filling.

That's us. I was trying to protect myself from the sun hence the robber look.

I was trying to apply what John Ang taught me in special areas. Taking creative photos with not too much details. Have I learnt well? Next stop: Desaru Fruit Farm

I was not trying to take a picture of the girl. This is a dragon fruit plant! I never knew that dragon fruit is a member of the cactus family. Cooollll.

This was our guide, Nor.

A random shot of a really pretty flower. Flowers are such mood lifters.

Scary Kois. They will just swarm towards the food source. They were pretty though with all the different colours.

The thousand hands Guanyin banana. What a name.

Cat mountain king (direct translation) durians. I remember eating at Geylang and two cost S$70. It's the most expensive durian.

We saw this monkey that can drink from a straw and shook people's hands and refused to let go.

All about bees. I love the honey they served! Yum yum. A little fact I learnt: Don't put your honey (Not that human honey) in the fridge or drink it in hot water. It kills the enzymes (the good stuff) in them.

My bus mates feasting on durians. Yum Yum. But they are really heaty.

Kota Tinggi. Pardon my bored face. There was really nothing to shop there. I couldn't buy my smarties choc at 7 eleven store cos' they didn't have change for a RM$50 note. Business seems really slow.

Yeah this was how it looked like. Looks like a photo from 70's - 80's Singapore. Rustic and peaceful.

Firefly boat ride. Pretty ain't it? The sky, the land the sea made a beautiful picture. The tranquil atmosphere soothed a person. I love nature.

We were all in this luminous life jackets that were old and "chui3". Mine was held together by 2 strings. Anyway I think we provided some form of entertainment for the locals cos' we looked like refugees or some shipwrecked survivors travelling in a boat.

Cruising into the dark. No more photos were taken cos' it got too dark. Fireflies were really pretty and tiny insects that glowed like Christmas lights on trees. I remembered when I was Sec 3, I went on a school trip to KL to look at fire flies. And I caught one! Ok it's actually not allowed but I didn't know! Anyway it looked like a flying ant that has eaten a small light bulb.

Trip was fun. Food could have been better. Tandas were not as scary as before. Will love another overseas trip.

Quote of the day

What makes a man a man? A friend of mine once wondered. Is it his origins? The way he comes to life? I don't think so. Its the choices he makes. Not how he starts things, but how he decides to end them.

John Myers, Hellboy

....

My Dad just said that the "worker" in the word "social worker" sounds so low class. If it was one year ago, I would have been dreadfully insulted. But now, I just laugh it off. Afterall, it's what I think and believe in that really matters.

Leader of The Band

An only child
Alone and wild
A cabinet maker's son
His hands were meant
For different work
And his heart was known
To none --
He left his home
And went his lone
And solitary way
And he gave to me
A gift I know I never
can repay

A quiet man of music
Denied a simpler fate
He tried to be a soldier once
But his music wouldn't wait
He earned his love
Through discipline
A thundering, velvet hand
His gentle means of sculpting souls
Took me years to understand.

The leader of the band is tired
And his eyes are growing old
But his blood runs through
My instrument
And his song is in my soul --
My life has been a poor attempt
To imitate the man
I'm just a living legacy
To the leader of the band.

My brothers' lives were different
For they heard another call
One went to Chicago
And the other to St. Paul
And I'm in Colorado
When I'm not in some hotel
Living out this life I've chose
And come to know so well.
I thank you for the music
And your stories of the road
I thank you for the freedom
When it came my time to go --
I thank you for the kindness
And the times when you got tough
And, pap, I don't think I
Said 'I love you' near enough --

The leader of the band is tired
And his eyes are growing old
But his blood runs through
My instrument
And his song is in my soul --
My life has been a poor attempt
To imitate the man
I'm just a living legacy
To the leader of the band
I am the living legacy
To the leader of the band


I so adore this song.

A day in the life of a staff who is leaving

I am quite free at work. All I have been doing the past few days is to slowly type my handing over list. Cos' I am leaving, I can't take on any new projects. So all I do is to answer phone calls, read letters, fill in letters and type on the same word document. I can't imagine how I am going to do this for the next 2 weeks. Normally one gets tired from doing too much work. I am tired cos' I have nothing to do. I shouldn't complain of course... rest is gooooood.

What's very interesting are my conversations with the elderly residents in the centre. They like to pop into the office and show me photos of their families or say some wise words about the real world to me. I realise it really takes a open heart to listen to their words of advice. Not that they are saying anything bad. But the problem with young people (me) is that we tend to treat these pieces of advice accumulated over years of living on planet earth as things we already know. Too smart for ourselves. But today I really listened to what my residents were telling. Perhaps some synaptic connection formed in my brain. That what they are saying, albeit a little long and repetitive, are lessons in life that I should reflect and think about. Afterall, they are experiences that have been collected throughout the whole of the resident's lifetime. This is akin to collecting inspirational quotes or motivational stories.

patiencehumilitypatiencehumilitypatiencehumilitypatiencehumilitypatiencehumility

My "past" ambitions

I always wanted to be a truck/van driver...like those who deliver milk cartons to people's houses. Yeah that was my dream when I was about 7 years old? I would be wheeling my little toy trucks and pretending that I was a driver who was happily cruising along some highway.

It was during the same "truck driver" period that I wanted to be a police officer. Wielding a gun and running after criminals just seemed absolutely like the perfect job. The ambition was tweaked a little when I got older. I wanted to host "Crimewatch". "Tonight we are looking at men who preyed on old ladies...." and I can end with some tag line that says "Be ready. Be prepared. Low crime doesn't mean No crime." COOOOOLLLLLLLLLL.

Along the way, I also wanted to be a nurse so that I can jab needles into primary school kids...a zoo keeper...a tour guide who can scale mountains and fight bad guys....something like Indiana Jones (yes I know he isn't a tour guide) and the list goes on.

Then I got older and I decided that I should set up a shop that sells bread or flowers....or bread and flowers. It felt so good to be wearing a nice flowery apron and picking up suitable flowers for customers and then smashing dough to make some nice bread. I still want to be a florist by the way. Flower therapy. A new counselling method.

I took an architecture module in school and I absolutely adored it. I never knew how much work goes into the seemingly bored looking angular shaped buildings we see all the time. So I wanted to be an architect. But that was really a day dream.

If I am not a social worker, I would have chosen to be a doctor. Cos' sometimes physical pain has to be alleviated before anything else can be done.

My bad butt jab

I took a jab on the butt last week cos' I cannot stop vomitting.

But it has been a week and my bum still hurts. The pain is so bad that I wonder if I can jog with it. It's a sharp tingling pain that hits me wherever I exert some force or make some sudden movement. Did she hit a nerve? I wonder if she has stuck an arrow into my bum or maybe a knife instead of a harmless needle.

I shall wait and see. In the meantime, I shall bear with the pain. OUCH.

你我她他

你今天很难过。她也因为你难过而难过。我看到你们难过，心好痛。
我讨厌他。讨厌他的优柔寡断。
你难过，我不知所措。只能静静的坐在一旁。
我讨厌他。讨厌他的不成熟。
你和她在谈心。不知道为什么，我越听越生气，越心痛。哭了。
我讨厌他。讨厌他怎么这么没勇气。
你外表很坚强，但应该被伤到了吧？我知道我说什么都没有用，只希望时间会淡化一切。
我讨厌他。讨厌他的不坦白。
你一定会好的。
我讨厌他。因为他伤了我最重要的两个人。他也伤了我。
你怎么那么傻。她也好傻。
我讨厌他。好讨厌。
我会为你祈祷；为你生气；给你时间；给你空间；在你面前开无聊的玩笑；做那个好吃懒做的我。
我讨厌他。他最好永远不要在我面前出现。
因为你，理智和体谅已不存在。我决定讨厌他。

Are you a fan?

I have a secret. I like to listen to Stefanie Sun's songs since her second album released in 2000. I think only my ma and sis know that I am a closet fan.

I missed her first concert here so I am going to watch her 2009 concert on the 11th July! But I think no one is going to watch with me cos' my friends are not such fans that they will buy the highly priced tics. And I am going to buy those that are expensive.

So even if no one is keen to watch with me, I will still go by myself. I am just a little afraid that I might get lost. HAHA.

Me and boys

I used to think that I abhor boys. Noisy and sweaty boys who don’t listen to instructions. Get on my nerves.

But recently I realize that I too can have a soft spot for little boys. There are two at my centre. One likes to sing. The other likes to play computer games. The one who likes to sing looks the cutest when he is nervous. There was once when he had to perform for an event, he was so quiet and his hands were so cold. I asked him why and he replied that he was so nervous. He kept going to the washroom and gulping down cups and cups of water. I find the serious look in his eyes when he is singing really adorable.

The other one is, from my own perspective, a child who is full of pride. He was patiently waiting for his turn to play computer games on this particularly PC. However, this little girl (haiz) refused to let him play and her mother even scolded him. So he stormed out of the centre. He came back a while later and the PC was available. However, he refused to play and said, “Let her play lo.” The next day, he came really early and said to me in a proud voice, “Auntie (haiz…why am I an auntie?) I came at 8 sharp.” He woke up at 7 am just so as to reach the centre when it opened. That meant that no one will vie with him for the computer.

I don’t know why but I find his stubbornness and pride so endearing. He “got” character.

:)

Happiness is...

Happiness is being able to sleep till you wake up.

Toilet Paper Mystery

We have a saying at my centre that our elderly residents 吃toilet paper. Not that we are mocking them or anything but the toilet paper at my centre disappears at an alarming rate. It's like - Alexis puts the toilet paper into the toilet roll holder in the morning before the exercise session. 30 minutes later, someone will be knocking on the office door to ask Alexis to refill the toilet paper. LIKE HUH!?

Our dear cleaner even found toilet paper hidden behind the water closet. I can't fathom why people will keep a secret stash of toilet paper in the toilet.

We came up with a few reasons for the mystery disappearance of our toilet paper:

1) Upholding the high standards of cleanliness - the more toilet paper, the cleaner is the ____ .
2) The many uses of toilet paper - toilet paper is being used to wipe everything. From the floor to every part of the human body.
3) It's free - freebies are always a draw for the people of my country. Since it's free, just take. Take home. Take for family. Take for relatives' families. Take for pet dog.
4) Sense of security - I think it's more secure for them to know that they will always have a secret stash of toilet paper around the toilet (i.e. behind the flower pot, in the water closet, behind the water closet, etc). So rolls of toilet paper are just being hidden away.
5) A relaxation technique - You know how people sometimes tear paper for comfort. Maybe the pulling of toilet paper off the toilet roll allows the feeling of comfort to descend upon them.
6) Delicious toilet paper??

Whatever the reason, I just find it real sad that a lot of our centre's money is spent on buying toilet paper.

Jurong Bird Park

This is my first visit to BIRDIE PARK!!! Overall the experience was really fun but near to the end, there was this super heavy downpour. It didn't really dampen my mood but it "dampened" my shoes. I was just totally wet. The very buay song bird picture that we took was at the entrance of Bird Park. It was the most buay song (irritated) look that a bird has given me. It seems to be saying, "Take what take...take my photo...u die..."

I am actually a descendent of the ostrich who is a descendent of the dinosaurs. I am connected to the 恐龙。Moments after we took this picture, the baby slapped me and laughed happily after that. I don't know why but I think babies tend to abuse me. Yesterday, a baby was whacking me on my shoulder and tugging at my hair in church. He is only 9 months old.

There is nothing wrong with the camera. The whole place was covered in mist. I think it's cos' these birds live in the forests where it is more cooling hence the cool mist. That little thing on top of their heads is to help them go through the thick vegetation.

Yes. This was how close I was with the baby ostrich. No zoom. Was so afraid the camera will get pecked.
Quack quack!
Yes. This is Singapore. Took this at the waterfall aviary. Very pretty place. Lots of colourful birds. The birds even queued up for their turn at the food bowl. Totally adorable.


The bird is prettier in real life than the photo. It's so hard to take nice pictures of birds cos' they like to turn their heads a lot. They always look a bit blur.


There is something about pelicans. They don't move during the rain. They were so stationary that someone commented if they were fake birds.

Flamingossssssssssssssss
This was the crowd during one of the bird shows. Quite entertaining. Really admire the bird-keepers (?) for their patience. It must have taken them a lot of time and effort to train those birdies. Those two tiny black spots are the ducklings!!! Really really really tiny and cute. I think I can squash them with my finger.

Last stop! Bird Discovery Centre. We stopped by this cold place to take shelter from the rain. Pretty interesting.

Didn't take a lot of pictures cos' I don't like to take pictures of animals behind cages.

I like the Bird Park. I will be off to visit other places of interest in Singapore in the future. Well if you can't go overseas, then explore Singapore!!!

Gossip

I think the one thing I have learnt from work is the power of gossip. Not from my colleagues. But from the elderly residents. It made me see the importance of "confronting" the other person to check if there is a misunderstanding instead of spreading more rumours about the other person. It is poignantly funny that often, the two main leads have never really communicated with each other. I have seen tears being shed...bad words being exchanged...threats of beating each other up... Why can't you just sit down and talk it out?

It's been so long...

It's been ages since I blogged.

I went to HK for 5 1/2 days not 2 days but I think I kinda lost the enthusiasm and patience to pore through hundreds of pics. In short, I am a lazy bum. Perhaps one day I will talk about them again.

I have been wondering what does it mean to live one's life to the fullest...what does it mean by treasuring every moment of one's life... watched a documentary on "Life before Death" and I find it quite hard to feel and put myself in the shoes of those who are or were experiencing 4th stage cancer. I just can't feel the sadness...the feeling one gets when he/she knows that his/her time on earth is up...all boils down to lack of life experiences. I think this thing about unable to connect due to lack of life experiences has been eating into me quite a bit recently. It's like you are trying so hard to understand and empathise but you just can't.

Patience...patience...patience...

HK '09 Day 1 & 2

I am finally blogging about my HK trip!

HK Day 1

Such a pretty view. A bit of a pity that our tired fellow passenger was oblivious about it.

This is me and my traveling partner, ky. We still looked quite happy here...not knowing the cold that awaited us...

It was so cold that we had to put on our beanies. I realised that only ah Mas and ah Gongs wear beanies in HK. We were pointing to North Point - the place that we were staying. We were off to Tsim Sha Tsui for lunch after putting down our bags.

Please do not be fooled by our happy expressions. My food was too oily and ky's food was too salty. It was quite an unhappy meal. Cold, miserable and hungry, we decided to just shop around.

I was feeling super paiseh hence the expression. But how can I not take a pic with this cool police van that I can only see in HK movies?

The streets of Tsim Sha Tsui. A bit messy. A lot of neon signs. I don't like the air. Where are the trees?

Ky's chao bin. She is hungry la.

I was not faking it. It was really super cold.

We were at the Tsim Sha Tsui promenade to catch the "Symphony of lights" performance that is on every night. It was quite pretty. A bit sad that my humble camera was unable to capture it.

But I was still able to capture a bit of the night view.

Ky was trying to pose like the statue of Bruce Lee.

Temple Street! Very busy and crowded. We bought nothing cos' we were too hungry.

We decided to eat at a lu bian tan. Super cool. They poured their tea away at the pavements. Look at the dull look in my eyes. I was just freaking cold!!!

A hot bowl of wanton mee to save the day. It was so cold and windy that if you lifted the noodles into the air for more than 2 secs, it gets cold.

A bad day 1. It was also the coldest night my life. Why? Ask Ky lo.

HK Day 2 - A better day

I was feeling cold since last night. Temp was at its lowest in the history of HK - 8 degrees celsius. We had a happy start to the day though. We were going to visit a integrated family service centre in Tsuen Wan - HK. Taking a green minibus or xiao ba there added to the fun! The cute HK people on the bus were also very friendly and helpful to us.

I stupidly forgot to take a pic at the Caritas Family Service Centre!! Hai. What a pity! But it was quite a nice and warm experience. As I was telling ky, social workers in HK and Singapore looked the same. We ate this nice green tea puff before zooming to Lantau Island!

Even though I looked so happy in the photos, I was actually shivering throughout. Knowing that I probably wouldn't survive if we were to take the cable car up to the hills of Lantau, I bought a S$70 plus winter coat. Can you see the sign "Food Republic" in the photos? Woah...

I don't know what she was laughing about. She took off her coat cos' she wanted to "acclimatise".

A happier me.

Trying to look pensive.

I liked this pic of her and the hills behind.

Breathtaking view.

The very famous Buddha statue. We didn't go up though cos' firstly we had to pay and secondly, we weren't very interested in the statue in the first place.

Bought a stick of bing tang hu lu to chomp on. It was COLD but very refreshing. Miss adventurous decided to follow two random humans into the hills of Lantau in an attempt to fulfill her hiking wish. Halfway through, it was jus ????? in our heads. All of us didn't know where we are so we just retraced our steps.

A self taken photo. Use timer lo.

We met a social worker and her bf/husband on return trip! They were in the same cable car as us. So qiao. Bye Bye Buddha.

I think the biggest disappointment for our trip is Tai O Village. We didn't know that Tai O Village is so quiet and dead at night. There was no one in the picture cos' there was really no one around us. Shops were closed and there wasn't anyone around. We kept getting weird stares from random passer-bys.

Ky's chao bin 2.

We went to take a look at Lan Kwai Fong - the supposed happening place at Central, HK. My photos of LKF didn't turned out too well so I am not posting them. Poor ky was coughing quite badly cos' she was having a cough and the air (people smoking and all) was bad. Either I was paranoid or I was sensitive, we had a mini scare there. I sensed three guys following us but we managed to shake them off. Maybe we didn't look local. We spotted this lu bian tan at one of the alleys but we were not brave enough to eat there. Hee... all the piggy's intestines and stuff.

Acting cute.

We ate some kao fan shu - roasted sweet potatoes on our way home. Warm and sweet. Very nice. But it was a bit too BIG for both of us.

The road that we stayed at.

Our apartment. It felt like we were living out of a HK TV serial.

Our very small and sparse living room.

Our kitchen and bathroom.

The doors are like 3/4 the size of the doors in Singapore. Small man. Small but cozy la. My only complaint was the lack of a heater. We didn't want to step out of our hot shower and out of our bed cos' it was just too cold.

The view from my room window.

Day 2 was way better than Day 1. We were starting to enjoy ourselves more. More to come...