Smiles

The holidays are coming. Am so glad.

倒帶

作詞:方文山　作曲:周杰倫

我受夠了等待你所謂的安排　
說的未來到底多久才來
總是要來不及才知道我可愛　
我想依賴而你卻都不在
應該開心的地帶　你給的全是空白　
一個人假日發呆　找不到人陪我看海
我在幸福的門外　卻一直都進不來　
你累積給的傷害　我是真的很難釋懷

終於看開愛回不來　
而你總是太晚明白　
最後才把話說開　
哭著求我留下來
終於看開愛回不來　
我們面前太多阻礙　
你的手卻放不開　
寧願沒出息求我別離開

你總是要我乖慢慢計劃將來　
我的眼淚卻一直掉下來
過去怎麼交代你該給的信賴　
被你親手緩緩推入懸崖
從我臉上的蒼白　
看到記憶慢下來　
過去甜蜜在倒帶　
只是感覺已經不在
而我對你的期待　
被你一次次摔壞　
已經碎成太多塊　
要怎麼拼湊跟重來

終於看開愛回不來　
而你總是太晚明白　
最後才把話說開　
哭著求我留下來
終於看開愛回不來　
我們面前太多阻礙　
你的手卻放不開　
寧願沒出息求我別離開

First aid training

I am a qualified first aider. Go ahead...faint in front of me.

Kitty

The kids who often came to play at our centre found a kitten today. When I saw it, it looked so thin and weak. And it is diseased. Some cat flu or something. Kids being kids and boys being boys, they were more concerned with playing their computer games than being anxious that kitty is looking damn thin and is so quiet.

I surprised myself today. I have never been an animal lover. But I got really anxious about keeping kitty alive today. Trying to feed it evaporated milk and covering it with a blanket. And I felt really sad when I called SPCA to take the kitty away. Cos’ I somehow knew that kitty would be put to sleep especially since it is so sick and weak. Never thought I could feel so upset over a kitty that I have just “met”. Upset.

Fun fact: Li Nanxing is a Catholic. Time to open my eyes when I am in church.

Yesterday

I was eating my dinner at Macpherson yesterday. At this big hawker centre. The food was great. However, there were some really interesting (?) moments. The hawkers are territorial. We were asked to change seats cos’ we ordered from the drink stall at the other side. And the other side was just less than 1 metre away. Weird. I was watching some funny videos on lao ban’s mac while eating. But what really got my attention was this young boy who (I presume) is the son of the drink stall owner. The way he speaks, the way he behaves is so “un-child”. He is like a xiao da ren. He is not acting his age. As lao ban has said, he is probably forced to grow up quickly due to his life circumstances. Good because he can probably survive in future. Bad cos’ he has lost this part of his childhood. I am just wondering what life is like for him. I don’t know why but I kinda admire him. He must have given up a lot.

Talking about being child-like. My common perception is that to be child – like, one has to be as happy and playful as a child. Be adventurous and curious. I was reading one of those inspirational emails yesterday and I suddenly have new insights on being child-like. I think it’s about being pure at heart. To look at things and issues with a sincere and dan chun heart. I think as one gets older, our pure heart is constantly tainted by bad and hurtful experiences. It is like looking through a transparent glass. Whenever something bad happens, the glass gets coated with a layer of paint. Sometimes it gets so thick, you can no longer see as clearly…as innocently…at things as before. How to regain that innocence? I don’t know. I

think I got to know myself better today.

Patience

Is it because I don't have patience? Or I just can't seem to understand why? It's bugging me.

.........

Seriously...like seriously....what is wrong with you?

What are you doing today?

Sight: I am looking at the computer screen. Checking emails and watching Christmas carols mtv

Smell: Garlic. Think my ma is cutting them.

Touch: Typing on the keyboard?

Taste: Just brush my teeth. Tasting colgate.

Hearing: Abba! But there are some really irritating drilling and pounding sounds. Someone's renovating the flat upstairs.

Feeling: RELAX. Cos' it's my off day!

heart. head.

My heart and my head are two separate entities. They tend to not agree with each other on many issues. Sometimes no matter how much I am able to rationalise, I will still feel upset, angry, irritated and moody. Why can't both of you who are in me be on the same track? It's like having a battle within yourself. Tiring. It's harder to be happy these days.

I always thought I am someone who can manage my emotions. Then I will be able to do what makes sense to me. Guess I am wrong. It's quite hard to function when I am upset.

I am emotional. Sigh.

Life & Death; Love; Cravings

Either I am getting older or I have been watching too many shows that have been speaking about death, the topic of death has been on my mind.

My friend once asked if I am diagnosed with cancer, would I want to kill myself/just don't receive treatment or receive treatment and suffer like hell? I think for me, it is impossible to not have suicidal thoughts. Cos' killing myself is really the easier way out. Think it's the thought of being a burden to the people around you. All the money, the time, the pain. Why don't I just die?

But then again, if you end your life, this is it. NO more second chances. NO more new opportunities. NO more nothing. You are just gone. It just doesn't feel right when some people are trying their best to live and you are giving it all away without a fight.

Suffering or death? I choose suffering. At least I can make a difference.

I think I don't have enough love in me. All the love is being drained. If only it was so easy as to go to God to receive His love in a package and just pass it to the people around me. If only.

Chicken rice. Steamboat. Jap food. Cafe Latte. Cake. Cravings. Happy food.

One Loving Act

If I could stop one heart from breaking,
I shall not live in vain;
If I can ease one life the aching
Or cool one pain,
Or help one fainting robin
Unto his nest again,
I shall not live in vain

~ Emily Dickinson

Monday Bluesss

I woke up this morning feeling a little different.
Everything feels so unreal.
I don't feel like I should be going to work.
I feel unreal.

I feel like sitting at a cafe... sipping tea... eating cake and surfing the net or simply reading a book.

My friend enlightened me that I was having the blues. Yes. For the first time in my life, 4 months into working... me...monday blues.

Well wishes

Be well and make sunshine.

So sweet.

妈妈的开心菜，命运，人间温暖

不知道妈妈在baby kailan 里放了什么，我吃了总是觉得很开心。一直以来，我都不喜欢吃别人煮的蔬菜。不是太油就是太咸。吃了真不开心。我爱吃到可以把一大盘菜啃下去。

我的centre有一位司机。他声称会算命。我就随手让他看看我的手掌。也不知道先预知是好事还是坏事，但或多或少，他所说的对我有所影响。好乱。不喜欢这样。天真一点可能会比较好。

上个星期五，我被“邀请”去参加NCSS 50th anniversary dinner。真的有点不想去。吃的也不是很愉快。当天晚上，在等待长发干的时候，我开始阅读在晚宴上所赠送的记念册。记念册里记载了新加坡五十年的社区服务历史。真的好感动。因为我看到了一些平凡人对社区服务的贡献。从那小小的纪念册里，仿佛看到了希望和人与人之间的尊重与温暖。

Me? me?

My previous posts seems to indicate that I am perpetually in a depressed mood. But actually I am quite a happy person. It's only when I fail to understand the happenings around me that I get a little melancholy. I think happiness stems from within - your mindset and your beliefs. Bad events can momentarily make you unhappy but they don't take away your pursuit for happiness.

I am at the stage of my life where I want to learn and try out new things.

Maybe squash will be fun. Maybe.

The denial of change?

Have things become different? Or you are just no longer excited by the same things? Or you just do not feel the same sense of belonging anymore? Do you then accuse others of changing? Do you then make comparisons?

I guess it all boils down to unfamiliarity, sense of loss and the unwillingness to change oneself. But then when you have reached a certain age, being open to new things and new people or simply - change, is no longer appealing. It might even be tiring.

Whining?

"Are you working 2mrw (sunday) again?"

"Yeah" "Do you like what you are doing?"

Above was the conversation between me and sister.

Well I just shrugged my shoulders and did not reply.

Should I learn to love what I am doing or just live each day as it comes?

Just a change

I have decided to change my blog.

Nope. No big events happened. I did not get tired of xanga. I just decided to move on. 想放就放。Perhaps a new blog will bring new inspirations.

Work is all that I talked about these days. Time flies when you are working. It is scary to see how fast life goes by you when you stepped into the working world. Off days become really precious. It almost seems like time moves slower when you are not working. I miss having me time.