Kitty

The kids who often came to play at our centre found a kitten today. When I saw it, it looked so thin and weak. And it is diseased. Some cat flu or something. Kids being kids and boys being boys, they were more concerned with playing their computer games than being anxious that kitty is looking damn thin and is so quiet.

I surprised myself today. I have never been an animal lover. But I got really anxious about keeping kitty alive today. Trying to feed it evaporated milk and covering it with a blanket. And I felt really sad when I called SPCA to take the kitty away. Cos’ I somehow knew that kitty would be put to sleep especially since it is so sick and weak. Never thought I could feel so upset over a kitty that I have just “met”. Upset.

Fun fact: Li Nanxing is a Catholic. Time to open my eyes when I am in church.

Yesterday

I was eating my dinner at Macpherson yesterday. At this big hawker centre. The food was great. However, there were some really interesting (?) moments. The hawkers are territorial. We were asked to change seats cos’ we ordered from the drink stall at the other side. And the other side was just less than 1 metre away. Weird. I was watching some funny videos on lao ban’s mac while eating. But what really got my attention was this young boy who (I presume) is the son of the drink stall owner. The way he speaks, the way he behaves is so “un-child”. He is like a xiao da ren. He is not acting his age. As lao ban has said, he is probably forced to grow up quickly due to his life circumstances. Good because he can probably survive in future. Bad cos’ he has lost this part of his childhood. I am just wondering what life is like for him. I don’t know why but I kinda admire him. He must have given up a lot.

Talking about being child-like. My common perception is that to be child – like, one has to be as happy and playful as a child. Be adventurous and curious. I was reading one of those inspirational emails yesterday and I suddenly have new insights on being child-like. I think it’s about being pure at heart. To look at things and issues with a sincere and dan chun heart. I think as one gets older, our pure heart is constantly tainted by bad and hurtful experiences. It is like looking through a transparent glass. Whenever something bad happens, the glass gets coated with a layer of paint. Sometimes it gets so thick, you can no longer see as clearly…as innocently…at things as before. How to regain that innocence? I don’t know. I

think I got to know myself better today.

Patience

Is it because I don't have patience? Or I just can't seem to understand why? It's bugging me.

.........

Seriously...like seriously....what is wrong with you?

What are you doing today?

Sight: I am looking at the computer screen. Checking emails and watching Christmas carols mtv

Smell: Garlic. Think my ma is cutting them.

Touch: Typing on the keyboard?

Taste: Just brush my teeth. Tasting colgate.

Hearing: Abba! But there are some really irritating drilling and pounding sounds. Someone's renovating the flat upstairs.

Feeling: RELAX. Cos' it's my off day!

heart. head.

My heart and my head are two separate entities. They tend to not agree with each other on many issues. Sometimes no matter how much I am able to rationalise, I will still feel upset, angry, irritated and moody. Why can't both of you who are in me be on the same track? It's like having a battle within yourself. Tiring. It's harder to be happy these days.

I always thought I am someone who can manage my emotions. Then I will be able to do what makes sense to me. Guess I am wrong. It's quite hard to function when I am upset.

I am emotional. Sigh.

Life & Death; Love; Cravings

Either I am getting older or I have been watching too many shows that have been speaking about death, the topic of death has been on my mind.

My friend once asked if I am diagnosed with cancer, would I want to kill myself/just don't receive treatment or receive treatment and suffer like hell? I think for me, it is impossible to not have suicidal thoughts. Cos' killing myself is really the easier way out. Think it's the thought of being a burden to the people around you. All the money, the time, the pain. Why don't I just die?

But then again, if you end your life, this is it. NO more second chances. NO more new opportunities. NO more nothing. You are just gone. It just doesn't feel right when some people are trying their best to live and you are giving it all away without a fight.

Suffering or death? I choose suffering. At least I can make a difference.

I think I don't have enough love in me. All the love is being drained. If only it was so easy as to go to God to receive His love in a package and just pass it to the people around me. If only.

Chicken rice. Steamboat. Jap food. Cafe Latte. Cake. Cravings. Happy food.

One Loving Act

If I could stop one heart from breaking,
I shall not live in vain;
If I can ease one life the aching
Or cool one pain,
Or help one fainting robin
Unto his nest again,
I shall not live in vain

~ Emily Dickinson

Monday Bluesss

I woke up this morning feeling a little different.
Everything feels so unreal.
I don't feel like I should be going to work.
I feel unreal.

I feel like sitting at a cafe... sipping tea... eating cake and surfing the net or simply reading a book.

My friend enlightened me that I was having the blues. Yes. For the first time in my life, 4 months into working... me...monday blues.